Stop Being so Hard on Yourself
When we make mistakes, we are our worst judges.
When we make mistakes, we are our worst judges.
“Oh no, I messed up! How could I have been this stupid? I made a complete fool out of myself. I don’t deserve this job.”
This was my inner monologue whenever I made the slightest mistake at work. And it would go on for the entire day — Sometimes even longer.
I kept beating myself up every time I failed, made a mistake, or received negative feedback. Eventually, I spiraled into a negativity loop until I could not say a kind word about myself. I felt worthless and hopeless, and I was on the verge of giving up.
Any good thing that came my way was just a lucky break or the universe messing with me, reminding me of what will never be in my grasp.
I was my toughest critic, and I was blinded by it.
Trapped by Dual Standards
Have you ever noticed that when you struggle or make a mistake, you’re extremely judgemental and harsh to yourself? But when a friend comes to you with the exact same struggle, you are the most empathetic, supportive, and helpful person.
The thing is, we hold ourselves to a separate set of standards and expect nothing less than perfection. No mistake, misstep, or accident is acceptable.
In other words, we set unrealistically high expectations for ourselves, expectations we cannot fulfill even if we try to. And when we fall short, we open the door to all the negative self-talk and self-doubt and welcome them into our temple.
This leads to a negative self-image, affecting our thoughts, emotions, and actions. As the negative self-image grows roots, it turns into a negative self-belief. Over time, it can even lead to more severe problems, such as social anxiety, fear of failure, and depression. To prevent spiraling into this negativity loop, it is crucial to work towards a more empowering self-image.
One step is to show ourselves the same level of kindness, acceptance, and care as we do for others. So, let’s level the playing field and toss the second set of standards into the trash.
The goal is not to become overly positive and ignore all bad things. The goal is to learn to accept the situation and treat ourselves with kindness and forgiveness. After all, we are human. Sometimes we fall down, other times we shine bright. It’s all part of living.
Higher Standards Thrive Us To Do Better — To Some Point
I know from personal experience that we judge ourselves more harshly because we don’t want to fail. We want to do better and be better. We want to be accepted and appreciated.
There’s nothing wrong with having high standards. But we often mistake our failures and struggles as shortcomings, weaknesses, and as things we should hide and be ashamed of.
We compare ourselves to people who are more successful, prettier, more popular, or wealthier. This conscious or unconscious comparison often leaves us discouraged and anxious. We become fixated on everything that we’re lacking.
In the long run, this way of thinking can become quite harmful. We start to judge ourselves more, the negative self-talk gets louder as if someone is yelling at us through a megaphone. Eventually, the shame and lack of self-esteem lead us to lose hope and avoid anything that might lead us to failure.
But for us to grow and learn, we need to get out of our comfort zones. We need to try new things and disrupt old habits. We need to try, fall down on our faces, and get back up again. Only when we stop being so harsh on ourselves can we truly thrive. So, instead of beating yourself up, treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.
It’s Difficult At First — Like Any New Thing
Being compassionate to yourself can be difficult. But as with any new habit, it needs to become familiar first through practice and repetition. And I can guarantee that it will feel awkward at the beginning.
When was the last time you told yourself ‘I love myself’ or ‘I am enough’? If it has been a while, try it.
To increase compassion, try to make self-love and care familiar. If you don’t know where to start, take the two sentences from before and repeat them to yourself daily. I know it will be weird and uncomfortable at first. But keep going! Once you can say it to yourself convincingly, you will believe it.
When it comes to mistakes or situations that didn’t go as planned, focus on showing yourself kindness and support. Remember, in any given situation, you are doing the best you can with what you have. If it feels difficult, here are 3 tools you’re free to try to silence the negativity and to focus on a more empowering narrative.
1. Write a Letter
When you notice that negative voice preparing to take you down, grab a pen and paper (or phone/tablet). Imagine that your friend is going through what you are facing and write them a letter of support and encouragement. What would you tell them? After you finish, replace your friend's name with your own and read the letter to yourself.
2. The Reverse Gap
Whenever in doubt, take a look back. We often forget how far we have come in life and how much we have grown along the way. So, list all the things you’re proud of, your achievements, and your growth. Once you get going, you’ll be flooded with positivity and gain a different perspective. Suddenly, that small mistake from before does not carry so much weight anymore.
3. Forgive Yourself
Forgiveness is letting go of the heavy burden we carry with us. There is nothing we can do to change the past. What we can do is focus on what we learned from that situation. Whether it’s a mistake or something that happened, you are allowed to forgive yourself and carry on with your life. (Ps. Check out this post for more on forgiving: 3 Things Most People get Wrong About Forgiveness)
Treat Yourself With Kindness
When we make mistakes, we tend to be our harshest critics. We hold ourselves to higher standards than we do other people. We push ourselves to be better. But at times, we push ourselves too far.
A negative self-image can lead to further mental health problems and affect our thoughts, emotions, and actions. The remedy is self-care, compassion, and kindness.
This might feel difficult, but trying the tools and exercises mentioned in this post is a good start. There are plenty more tools, guides, and support groups out there. And please, remember to reach out to your local healthcare professionals if needed.
P.S. You’re doing great! I’m proud of you. You’re an amazing being and can reach every mountain top you want to climb. It might get tough at times, but that’s just a sign that you are moving forward. Keep your head up, and keep going. You’ve got this!